counting down

I have been preparing for the arrival of B's family. I am still not sure what the next couple of weeks will be like. My anxiety levels are high though.

This is the first time that we will be spending the holidays with B's family. I know that sounds pretty hard to believe, but it is true. They have been in town near the holidays, but always left before the big day.

It should be interesting, to say the least. We got our first green Christmas tree. I have had an ornament tree, but it isn't quite the same. We snagged a floor model at the cleaned out section at Lowes this past weekend. I was surprised how limited the selection was.

I then went and got some ornaments and lights at Target. They were out of hooks. And while B was out getting some, I managed to break one of the lights. He managed to break another one this morning. We are losing this game fast. I went to the store last night to find replacement bulbs, but came up empty handed. I got another strand of lights, but they are not the same. As I said, we are losing this big time.

In the meantime I am in a cleaning frenzy. I cleaned the oven today. What a chore – even after cleaning it less than a  month ago. I have also washed just about every bed linen in this house. Given the sudden drop in temperatures, I doubt there will be a blanket to spare.

I just wish I didn't feel so overwhelmed. I am feeling the need to protect myself. To close myself off and be guarded. I am just not comfortable around his family. I feel like I am being judged, and that everything I do is wrong or not good enough. I don't know how to reach out. I feel like there is no common ground.

There are still cards to get out, and packages to wrap and mail. I am not sure how I will do it all, and am sure to let some things go and let some people down.

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