let go

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley) via Reverb10

This is a tough one to answer because I don’t remember anything specific. I didn’t do anything like end a toxic relationship or do a major de-cluttering of my stuff. Yet I know that I must have let go of something. After all, I don’t normally just hop on planes and go half way around the globe.

I remember having big debates over whether or not I should go to Manila to attend my sister-in-law’s wedding this past summer. It really boiled down to belonging (or feeling like I didn’t), as well as pushing aside many of the weird fears I have – one of them stems from a reoccurring dream in which I am locked in the basement of my husband’s childhood home (despite being reassured that there is no basement to lock me in).

I am very aware of my feelings of unworthiness. There seem to be constant reminders. I feel like I deserve nothing. I am ashamed and disgusted. I don’t want to be around people for fear of bringing something awful upon them.

It is easy for it to spiral if I get stuck in it. And for the most part I do keep those feelings at bay. Still, I know they are there, and can come back to the surface without warning.

Still, I would like to believe that I let go of at least a little of it.

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