father’s day is coming

For whatever reason, Father’s Day has never bothered me much. Mostly I think it is due to the fact that I have had longer to deal with it, and also that it isn’t as in your face as Mother’s Day. This year though, I am feeling a bit more ruffled that usual. I think it is because there seems to be a lot of prove your dad is the greatest messages out there.

Part of me thinks there almost should be a share your worst story about your father, although I know I wouldn’t come close to winning that either. My father had his moments, and he also believed that “out of sight was out of mind”. I really don’t know what to think. I haven’t heard from or spoken to him in almost 30 years. The thing that keeps me sane is believing that he loved me enough not to suck me back into his world.

After my sister found me on the Internet by pretending to be someone else, we chatted a few times over AOL Messenger (it was new back then). On one occasion, her boyfriend (who I had nicknamed bagel-boy because he literally blew up a bagel shop) got on line and chatted with me. The only thing I really recall is that he told me about meeting my father. He basically said that he lives like it is still the 70’s. I can only imagine what exactly that means. He hinted that he was a pretty weird dude.

I won’t lie. I still think about him. On nights, especially when I cannot sleep, I sometimes even Google him. As best as I can tell he is still breathing in the Garden State. I won’t pay the $20 to get the report though.

I thought of calling him when I found out I was pregnant. Of course, I don’t have his phone number. And then it didn’t really matter any way. Of course, this is also a man, who when I was thirteen, took me aside and told me that he had a friend who could take care of it, if I even found myself in trouble. I didn’t even have a boyfriend. And really didn’t think I was missing out. As I said, he had his moments.

Then again, there was the time when I nearly fainted because there was a storm coming in off the Eastern seaboard. It caused a sudden drop in the barometric pressure. He picked me up and took me to my room. I never felt safer. Such a conundrum.

This entry was posted in grief, holidays, just thinking out loud. Bookmark the permalink.

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