i need to change

A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are.

I found this quote on Pinterest, and it just felt like the nudge I needed this week. As the anniversary of my mother’s death looms, I thought I was doing okay, but really I am not dealing well at all. My insomnia is back. I am moody. And as hard as I try not to, I am taking things too personally (see assume nothing). I thought these words would remind me how to turn things around, and that it really isn’t as bad as I make it out to be.

I also watched this video from TedMed. It was a talk given by Andrew Solomon, and is called Love No Matter What. It is about a lot of things, but really if you broke it down, it is about the unconditional love of a parent. He interviewed parents who had had children born with some difference that put the child into a separate culture from the parent. These differences included Down’s Syndrome and dwarfism to parents of prodigies and criminals. Good or bad, these differences changed their expectations about parenting greatly. In most cases, it also change the parents.

He asked many of these parents if they could somehow magically eliminate these ailments, if they would. He was surprised that many said they would want to take away the pain and suffering their son or daughter endured, but they wouldn’t want to completely wipe out the disease or condition. They would explain that while this difference causes pain and suffering, it also changed them in ways they never thought possible. It made them kinder. It opened them in ways that are hard to explain.

It made me think about my own mother, and that love she had for me. For most of us, even if our relationship with our parent(s) isn’t perfect, on some level we do believe that when it comes down to it, there is a bond that connects us, the likes of which that we will never have with anyone else. I believe that with the more complex parental relationships it becomes even more clear after the loss. I think that is why, as hard as I have been denying that I am okay, that I really am not.

Although time has made it easier. The reality is that this pain will never go away completely. Different incidents will bring it to the surface, and not always the same sorts of triggers will turn the switch on again. It just forces me to keep on my toes all the more.

And so I must remain alert and remember that I am still blessed. I need to focus on my dreams and never give up hope.

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